Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me 🙂 Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny 😀

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing 😉 Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


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That’s a whole lotta ass!

Sorry for the title, but you’re now reading this smiling 🙂 Oh and before you could even realize you will have read this whole sentence and learned it means absolutely nothing. 🙂 Hope that was another smile.

Since I have been in such a FABULOUS mood today, I was thinking of letting you all into my brain for a bit, that is, you’re about to see my complete randomness. Cheese! No, seriously, I thought it would be a great idea to share my piss-inducing hilarities that I do all by myself. Enjoy!

1. My brain wanders almost constantly….often to inappropriate things. Today while watching Team Umizoomi with my son I couldnt help but start lol’ing when the girl was yelling, ‘top! Bottom! Top! Bottom! What comes next?” Im probably going to rot in hell if it exists but I thought ‘Doggystyle!”

2. My son has discovered certain words, no doubt thanks to me, but now can run around the house laughing and stops, breaks wind and yells , ‘FART! YAY!’

3. My friggin feet are freezing right now, and I need to paint my toenails…

4. While I was eating lunch today, which consisted of a chip-chopped ham, salt & vinegar chips and ketchup sandwich ( dont judge, we all eat weird shit, so dont act like you dont!) I started wiggling and dancing with my first bite and was like ‘ oh snap….now I know where my son gets his happy dance, oh well, this is fucking good’   I used to eat this sandwich a lot, but that was about 25 yrs ago in grade school….

Otherweird things I like to eat are sweet gherkin pickle and peanut butter sandwiches, Sriracha and potato chips, pretzels and sour scream….yeah, fat girl is now hungry again :-/

I need to go get some socks, my feet really really are REALLY cold…wtf?

Why do dog farts smell like rotten hot dogs?  and why does my cat insist that only TWO shits can fit in the catbox? Why do I like animals?

Hey, just realized I forgot to continue the numbering 🙂 bahaha!

Ihad to pause writing right there bc my son just tried sticking pretzel rods up his nose…..why cant this EVER let me catch things on video??? He’s fricken hilarious!ok…you all probably have a migraine, so I will continue this later!

Love yas,


















Wtf did you just try to say??

I don’t know what has been going on…but my verbal dyslexia has been on full blast the last couple of days!

Just yesterday,  I  am excited because I bought some hot new jeans so OF COURSE I had to try them on!! My friend walks in and I was all like “ooh, girl, I look sinny as kell and shot as hit!!! LOOK AT MY BUTT!” Then of course I realized that I TOTALLY effed it all up and now we are both laughing and im about to pee. I also have this weird ability to over laugh situations til I wanna tinkle……awesome………and with someone like me who laughs at alot, especially farts, yeah… bueno!!!!

Anyway, come home and I am talking to my momma, who btw is a truly awesome lady for putting up with me, and im telling HER about my poopapalooza and I say ‘Mom, I sheriously sit so much, my stomach instantly belt fetter’ AGAIN with the laughing, but now you add my momma, who snorts when she laughs…..I tell her I have to get off the phone or im gonna piss myself, said our I love yous and regained my normal breathing pattern and used a few tissues…..for my eyes, you nerds!, and I am sitting here thinking…my gosh, did I have a stroke? Its bad today! I had way more instances today than normal and more than what I shared. I decided I didnt care, I was in a good mood and if anything, im making people laugh…im a people pleaser 🙂

Just wanted to share…this is my brain…not on drugs haha

Love yas, Momma