Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me 🙂 Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny 😀

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing 😉 Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


The bug is gone!!!

I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..

So I wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddyImage…wait, no, that’s a song.

I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)


Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!

I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING  at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cupImage.

…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home” Image

She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.

Image( Nice visual, huh?) Damn,. I can’t stop giggling while writing this haha.

I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”Image

I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.

I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on?????Image She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!

and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha

Good night loves!



It’s All About CHARISMA!!!

That’s right folks. Today’s post is all about CHARISMA. What is CHARISMA you ask?


noun: charisma; plural noun:charismata
compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.
“she enchanted guests with her charisma”
“he lacks the charisma we look for in our salespeople”
a divinely conferred power or talent.

but THAT’S not the one I’m talking about. The CHARISMA I speak of is a funny, honest gent…and you really need to check out his blog It’s worth it.
Ok, so why about CHARISMA? He wrote a post the other day that hit home with me…it’s about why I’m doing what I’m doing on here…..not for fame, fortune or what have you…but for pure fun, to make someone smile, or laugh! If I can do that in one day then my day is set.
Why can’t we just make that our daily mindset? Why do we have to conform? Or do “whatever it takes to fit in?” Which brings me to another lemming…
I have a friend…we will call him Steve (of course that’s not his real name duh duh) He’s been having troubles in finding a woman that would want to stay around for more than 3 months. He say’s “well I have to change because obviously what I’m doing is not working ” I simply asked him..”What do you mean? You just haven’t found the right girl yet?”  He later admitted to be that he started drinking just because “its not accepted that I don’t drink” and now he’s losing weight and running “because maybe if I’m thinner I’ll be accepted and find a girl that will want to stick around” This about threw me through the goddamn roof! Are you kidding me????? I yelled at him and said, “If someone can’t accept you at what you think is your worst then they don’t deserve you at your best!” Period, point blank, end of story!
Yeah…He still didn’t see it…and doesn’t agree with my ‘don’t change for someone else change for you theory” Eh…to each his own…I’m tiring of hearing the bastard whine and cry all the time because he’s not getting laid. Maybe this IS what he needs. I just can’t understand trying alcohol and losing the weight and running just because he want’s to be cool…he’s not 17…he’s 3-fucking-4!!!
Grr…I will stop. I told him…you need to acquire and work on your charisma…but yeah…he’s still not listening…I tried, world, good lawd knows I freaking tried.
I swear he might still be 17 mentally though…because right after that he’s trying to convince me to take my pants off for him…ugh…MEN!!!!!
And lastly, my Ode to CHARISMA! A picture entitled “Nessie”



I’m sorry for my randomness ya’ll…but that’s what it’s like living in my world…now picture all that going on at once while thinking about what’s for dinner and what I’m going to wear to an even 3 weeks from now for Damsel In Defense 😉 Yup…I’m special….
ok…in all seriousness now. Charisma is what it takes to make it in this world anymore. Without charisma and maybe the dare to be an individual we are all just lemmings…I don’t want to be a lemming…they die by jumping off cliffs.

Love you all!


Demon Spawn!

Yes, this is another post about my kid…Jack, but this one isn’t all farting rainbows and shitting roses…this is the evil side of kids EXPOSED!

These will all be little stories of when my son grows horns…which happens daily but the kisses and lu yous usually make them go away…not today!!!

Just this morning….we were sitting down watching his usual…Mickey Mouse Clubhouse…and I started to sing the song with him…he screams a high pitch scream…turns to me and with fire shooting out of his eyes says “Shut up” I almost wanted to cry…that kid put the fear of God in me for a minute! A little later he’s still doing the high pitched screaming and I have been trying to tell him no, and I spank him sometimes…well I finally asked “How many times does mommy have to spank you before you stop screaming??”  He just looks at me and says, ” 2 or 3″……………………i had to leave the room because I was going to laugh………….it really is amazing how quickly this..

Image turns into this  Image


Oh…and his new favorite thing is to bash his Leappad into the ground when its not working to his liking or when it needs batteries….I caught him about to do it to my tablet the other day and I yelled…scared him….and he dropped it….. :-O     thank God I never take it out of its holder, the tablet is fine!!

Another famous Jack moment is the day he learned to call me a “jerk” from my dear best friend Eliza…i could kill her…..She called me a jerk and he repeated it to me the rest of the day! Took him over to his grandma’s and was trying to have him say it again….he says, “BITCH!” ….whaawhhaawwhaa dafuq???? I’m gonna kill your daddy…mommy doesn’t say that!!! I told daddy later what Jack said….and he left the room…YOU BETTER MOTHERFUCKING LEAVE THE ROOM! WE KNOW WHY HE SAID BITCH! Sorry, I’m not really mad haha. I really don’t swear this much either, ok, i fucking lied….i cuss like a sailor…but not in front of my son….ok, I slip sometimes and say shit and damn….which leads me to my next story….

He’s been pulling down the baby gates a lot…I told him he’s demon spawn and he needs to stop.. he screams his high pitch scream and I say no! He sits down and plays his Leappad….I then decide I need to use the restroom…I leave the door open so I can see him and he comes babbling up to the gate…you can’t understand a damn word he says’…we call it “Jack”anese 😉 and he pulls the gate down…i look over at him and he just says “SHIT! sorry…..” I had to close the bathroom door or start crying because the laughter building up in me was overwhelming folks…I do love this kid…even when he’s being bad sometimes I can’t help but to laugh.

How is that you ask? Because I have learned that kids learn from example…they don’t know any better than what we show them. We have to be wise to what we do and say around them. I can only laugh because I too was a crazy child, and so was his father! His father is the Devil so hence…he’s demon spawn. Either way…don’t take everything your child does to heart…sit with them and explain bad and good and give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes….we all aren’t perfect, but I can guarantee my child will have a kick ass sense of humor and know how to treat others…if he doesn’t I’m blaming daddy 😉

Goodnight folks,

Love, Momma