Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


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The bug is gone!!!

I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..

So I wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddyImage…wait, no, that’s a song.

I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)

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Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!

I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING  at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cupImage.

…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home” Image

She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.

Image( Nice visual, huh?) Damn,. I can’t stop giggling while writing this haha.

I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”Image

I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.

I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on?????Image She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!

and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha

Good night loves!

Momma

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He sharted Aunt Andrea!

Hello all! I know you missed me yesterday and I’m sorry. I was too busy being ALONE and drinking a Jamaican Me Happy and watching Bride-Day Friday!!!! I’m so sick….

I was telling my family that I needed to set up for my big launch party for Damsel on Saturday (today) and my brother GENEROUSLY offered to keep Jack overnight. I hopped in that goddamn car and ran him over. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid but mommy needs a break now and then. So I’m going along cleaning my house….btw did you know that Windex cleans your freaking microfiber??? MIND BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (someone remind me and I will cover that another day )

So, I’m cleaning away (drinking and watching more television) and I get a text from my nieceImageAh….the lovely duck faces 🙂 You can’t help but to smile at this 🙂 I then start to feel like a bad mom because I am not with him…shortlived, I grabbed another Jamaican Me Happy. I get back to writing on my business cards and my order forms and realize, damn…I want pizza. Awesomeness for me, noone delivers and I’m too fucking lazy at this point to go get any. *DING DING DING!* I has the ingredients to make zis pizza!!! I just made it on lavash bread…ermahgawd….

So I ate the pizza, finished the 3rd beverage and just hit the hay….i know…i boring, until the old man comes home…he tries getting frisky with me at 730 in the morning………………..he thinks just grabbing my boob is a turn on…………………………………………dafuq????………….men!

Ok, woke up, got dressed, finished cleaning up for this party and everyone is here, I’m starting my shpeel (sp?) I don’t fucking care…whatever…and my niece yells…oh my god, Jack sharted Aunt Andrea….I say what? and she yells HE SHARTED, HE JUST REALLY SHARTED!! So now I’m embarrassed and cracking up so hard I’m crying!…I made the old man change the diaper (damn I’m evil) but..that was my funny moment…besides my mom and my 2nd cousin duking it out over who has the most crap in their purse….God I love my family. Never a dull moment…if you have ever been around me and heard my verbal dyslexia…you’d get a kick out of my mom…I will have to tell the halle-fuckin-lullah story someday…someone remind me 🙂

Ok, just wanted to share that tiddybit with you all…I’m off to bed. The first person to ask me a question about me, my life, etc will have it as a topic tomorrow…lets see who it is :-

Gnight!

Love, Momma