I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..
I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)
Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!
I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cup.
…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home”
She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.
I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”
I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.
I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on????? She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!
and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha
Good night loves!