Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


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Guardian Angel?

Good afternoon everyone. I have a rather serious post for you all today. Momma is a little freaked and touched right now.
I returned home from my parents’ house several hours ago, waved at the neighbor across the street pulling weeds, and backed into my spot. I’m not in the house 5 minutes and I see several ambulances, a fire truck, and State Highway Patrol fly by my house and then apply brakes…I’m curious now.
I walk out in the front yard and see my neighbor just staring down the road. Traffic is stopped and no cars coming from the other direction. I walked over to her and as I was asking what was going on she throws her arms around me and says, “The car just 10 seconds behind you caused a 5 car accident…it doesnt look too good.” I got chills…and so sick to my stomach….she looked at me and said, “Honey…if you had been just 10 seconds later….oh lord, you have someone very awesome watching over you”
We hugged…and even though I am not religious we prayed for all involved with tears in our eyes. I then ran back inside, scooped up Jack and just held him. He was in the car with me on my way home. If anything would have happened to him I don’t know what I would do with myself. I sat there and cried as I watched 3 of the cars were towed away, completely totalled. The last of which had a baby seat hanging out of the mangled door/window. I almost got sick because that could have been us!
I do believe someone was watching and helped me leave my parents’ house at that time and not a second later. My mind is going crazy right now with all the what if’s. I am really aslo feelong my grandparents right now and my baby cousin Savannah…ah…such love!
So the point of me telling you all of this is to please hug your son, daughter, mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend and tell them that you love them so much. You really do just never know what could happen…..none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Love you all,
Momma


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“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me πŸ™‚ Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny πŸ˜€

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing πŸ˜‰ Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha

HAPPY!!!

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I’m bringing sexy back! Shits…it’s already been broughten!

Hi my loves!!! I’m so sorry that I haven’t been on in toooooo long. I started work for a local campground for a little extra spending cash and boy…I’m their slave now!

Anyway, a lot has been happening the last couple weeks besides working! My big man is counting to 12 (YAY!!!) and he’s only 2 yrs and 4 months!! 3 months premature…such a little smarty…thank goodness he takes after me!!!

My brain has been getting me laughs at work…there is a huge problem with Meth in the county, and unfortunately we see a lot of the individuals. My second day on the job we were all standing under and awning ready to start the day when we noticed this guy ride up in a bike all happy and talking to himself…then he starts singing….then yelling and falls off his bike…gets up, sings and starts twitching all around laughing again….we were all just staring and before my filter could work I just blurted out, “Meth…it’s a hell of a drug” I was embarrassed i just said that in front of my boss but he turns to me, starts laughing out loud and said, “I knew there was a reason I wanted to hire you besides your looks” and pats me on the back. So of course I start laughing too. Made me feel good…I’m the only woman amongst a bunch of men ( I know…poor me, right?) So for them to get a laugh, made me feel about 10 feet tall instead of 5 haha

In other news…my son has decided that he LOOOOVVVEESSS Happy by Pharrell…he’s started dancing to it and oh the videos are hilarious!!!https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10102408045554434&l=8366332270881795715

…he cracks me up.!!!!!! He definitely got some moves from his mama!!!! I included the song for all of your enjoyment πŸ™‚ I can’t help but to dance to it also πŸ™‚ I’m now so happy. I know I provided links for things…I’m still trying to figure out how to get this all just on here…bear with me! Or fucking teach me. If you don’t like it…don’t read my shit then!
I can’t stop dancing now….damnit…and I need to go to bed.
I’m also hungry…I need chocolate! Ya know…my randomness reminds me of a pic…https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/t1.0-9/402290_10100597928438644_1205724439_n.jpg

 

Ok..night ya’ll.

Love ya’s,

Momma


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That’s a whole lotta ass!

Sorry for the title, but you’re now reading this smiling πŸ™‚ Oh and before you could even realize you will have read this whole sentence and learned it means absolutely nothing. πŸ™‚ Hope that was another smile.

Since I have been in such a FABULOUS mood today, I was thinking of letting you all into my brain for a bit, that is, you’re about to see my complete randomness. Cheese! No, seriously, I thought it would be a great idea to share my piss-inducing hilarities that I do all by myself. Enjoy!

1. My brain wanders almost constantly….often to inappropriate things. Today while watching Team Umizoomi with my son I couldnt help but start lol’ing when the girl was yelling, ‘top! Bottom! Top! Bottom! What comes next?” Im probably going to rot in hell if it exists but I thought ‘Doggystyle!”

2. My son has discovered certain words, no doubt thanks to me, but now can run around the house laughing and stops, breaks wind and yells , ‘FART! YAY!’

3. My friggin feet are freezing right now, and I need to paint my toenails…

4. While I was eating lunch today, which consisted of a chip-chopped ham, salt & vinegar chips and ketchup sandwich ( dont judge, we all eat weird shit, so dont act like you dont!) I started wiggling and dancing with my first bite and was like ‘ oh snap….now I know where my son gets his happy dance, oh well, this is fucking good’Β Β  I used to eat this sandwich a lot, but that was about 25 yrs ago in grade school….

Otherweird things I like to eat are sweet gherkin pickle and peanut butter sandwiches, Sriracha and potato chips, pretzels and sour scream….yeah, fat girl is now hungry again :-/

I need to go get some socks, my feet really really are REALLY cold…wtf?

Why do dog farts smell like rotten hot dogs?Β  and why does my cat insist that only TWO shits can fit in the catbox? Why do I like animals?

Hey, just realized I forgot to continue the numbering πŸ™‚ bahaha!

Ihad to pause writing right there bc my son just tried sticking pretzel rods up his nose…..why cant this EVER let me catch things on video??? He’s fricken hilarious!ok…you all probably have a migraine, so I will continue this later!

Love yas,

Momma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Demon Spawn!

Yes, this is another post about my kid…Jack, but this one isn’t all farting rainbows and shitting roses…this is the evil side of kids EXPOSED!

These will all be little stories of when my son grows horns…which happens daily but the kisses and lu yous usually make them go away…not today!!!

Just this morning….we were sitting down watching his usual…Mickey Mouse Clubhouse…and I started to sing the song with him…he screams a high pitch scream…turns to me and with fire shooting out of his eyes says “Shut up” I almost wanted to cry…that kid put the fear of God in me for a minute! A little later he’s still doing the high pitched screaming and I have been trying to tell him no, and I spank him sometimes…well I finally asked “How many times does mommy have to spank you before you stop screaming??”Β  He just looks at me and says, ” 2 or 3″……………………i had to leave the room because I was going to laugh………….it really is amazing how quickly this..

Image turns into thisΒ  Image

DEMON SPAWN!!!

Oh…and his new favorite thing is to bash his Leappad into the ground when its not working to his liking or when it needs batteries….I caught him about to do it to my tablet the other day and I yelled…scared him….and he dropped it….. :-OΒ Β Β Β  thank God I never take it out of its holder, the tablet is fine!!

Another famous Jack moment is the day he learned to call me a “jerk” from my dear best friend Eliza…i could kill her…..She called me a jerk and he repeated it to me the rest of the day! Took him over to his grandma’s and was trying to have him say it again….he says, “BITCH!” ….whaawhhaawwhaa dafuq???? I’m gonna kill your daddy…mommy doesn’t say that!!! I told daddy later what Jack said….and he left the room…YOU BETTER MOTHERFUCKING LEAVE THE ROOM! WE KNOW WHY HE SAID BITCH! Sorry, I’m not really mad haha. I really don’t swear this much either, ok, i fucking lied….i cuss like a sailor…but not in front of my son….ok, I slip sometimes and say shit and damn….which leads me to my next story….

He’s been pulling down the baby gates a lot…I told him he’s demon spawn and he needs to stop.. he screams his high pitch scream and I say no! He sits down and plays his Leappad….I then decide I need to use the restroom…I leave the door open so I can see him and he comes babbling up to the gate…you can’t understand a damn word he says’…we call it “Jack”anese πŸ˜‰ and he pulls the gate down…i look over at him and he just says “SHIT! sorry…..” I had to close the bathroom door or start crying because the laughter building up in me was overwhelming folks…I do love this kid…even when he’s being bad sometimes I can’t help but to laugh.

How is that you ask? Because I have learned that kids learn from example…they don’t know any better than what we show them. We have to be wise to what we do and say around them. I can only laugh because I too was a crazy child, and so was his father! His father is the Devil so hence…he’s demon spawn. Either way…don’t take everything your child does to heart…sit with them and explain bad and good and give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes….we all aren’t perfect, but I can guarantee my child will have a kick ass sense of humor and know how to treat others…if he doesn’t I’m blaming daddy πŸ˜‰

Goodnight folks,

Love, Momma

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