Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


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“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me 🙂 Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny 😀

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing 😉 Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


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Wow, some crazy asshole thinks I’m influential?? ;-)

ImageYes, dreams really do come true!! Wait…wtf movie is that line from?Anyway….

I was kindly nominate by Don Charisma for this, my very first award!! Yay! and go me that is just so happens to be a Most Influential? This man is smoking some good shit over there in Thailand, pass it on bud! Oh, While you are there please do read is amazing blog and check out his out of this world photography. This guy is amazing and an awesome virtual friend 🙂 Helps me with shit on here a lot, too that I do not get. But hey Don! I managed to figure how to get it on my blog page all by myself!!!!! *stick tongue out* See? I got this shit….

All kidding aside, I’m very honored that he thinks my blogs are influential. After all, I DID post them to enlighten you all to life that is Andrea’s or Momma, however you decide to address me is fine. Just don’t call me a “see you next Tuesday” Remember, I DO sell stun guns and peppers sprays….I’m a boss ass bitch 😉

Before I get to my nominations for who I think are Most Influential I want to take a time out to let you know what’s been going on in my life. My most awesome two-yr old Jack is counting to twelve, ( I may have already mentioned that but fuck you if you really care) and he’s recognizing shapes and telling me his abc’s (even if out of order) this kid is so awesome and I love being a mommy everyday!!! He started with this new thing today coming up to me and saying, “Mommy, want kiss! Want kiss!!” So I’d bend down, give him a smooch and he’d turn around and run away laughing going, “bye bye” and then he’d come back and do it again! We did this for about 20 mins while I’m trying to cook dinner and I was in tears from laughing by the end. I had to stop cutting the steak and peppers for kabobs or i thought I might hurt myself 😉

I have also been working a lot and trying to attend events for my lovely Damsel In Defense (yeah, that’s right, I add a fucking link! booyah!) ok and Jack’s father and I had a brief falling out. I was a single mom for a few days and didn’t know what to do with myself. I was feeling destroyed and putting everything I had into Jack and this new job. I barely slept, lost a few pounds (not that I didn’t need to,  but it was in an unhealthy way) and feeling beat down. Just for him to come to me and finally fight for me…something I had wanted from the beginning, let me know you care! He had been calling my parents asking what he should do, he doesn’t want to lose me. This man went and scheduled counseling for us…COUNSELING!! My heart was so overwhelmed I couldn’t help but cry. I figured if he’s going through this much trouble this mf’er really does care and I will do this. I love the bastard, but man….we had some rough times. Albeit, I never really got to know him because, (go me) we got pregnant one of the very first times we had sex a month into dating. THAT SHIT REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOLKS! I’M A STATISTIC! This after 8 1/2 yrs with my ex and thinking I couldn’t get pregnant. Anyway…needless to say, momma did not leave daddy and we are working on bettering our lives and effectively communicating….and dating 🙂 It’s pretty freakin awesome to be DATED again 🙂

Ok, so anyway, now to my Influential Bloggers….I would like to nominate

1. Danielle with Kuukisu Art (Wonderful woman with a wonderful heart)

2. The Hillbilly Blogger! This guy is hilarious and has a pull on my heart since I’m a little hillbilly!!!!

3. Don Charisma (You don’t not have to do this all again, Don, I just wanted to nominate you because you are very much an influential and awesome person!)

4. Affatshionista! Being a bigger girl myself I love seeing what kind of awesome outfits this lady can bang out!

5. LEGO Shenanigans………need I say more?

6. James Radcliffe  (this guys music puts you into baby making music mood, what a voice!)

7. HarsH ReaLiTy (because this guy is NOT afraid to be himself and has great conversation 🙂 )

8. EthanYarbroughWrites  I love reading this guys blogs and his adventures with kids, very funny and great writer!

9. Paul 🙂 Great guy I have know for more than half my life, he and his husband are good people’s!!!!!!

10. Last but not least….Emails to God (THIS GUY EFFIN CRACKS ME UP!! ) If you think i’m foul mouthed don’t read this guy’s shit!

Conditions For Accepting The Award

To accept this award, the awardee must do the following:

  1. Display the Award on your Blog.
  2. Announce your win with a blog post and thank the Blogger who awarded you. Do not lump this award with any other award in a “basket”, “bouquet” or “collection” etc, I would rather you didn’t accept the award.
  3. Present 10 deserving Bloggers with the Award.
  4. Link your awardees in the post and let them know of their being awarded with a comment (or a pingback).
  5. Include an embedded video of your current favorite song

Okay…and now for my fave song (of the moment) Room to Breathe – You Me At Six

Enjoy. I dig them 😉

Okay, I’m going to bed…

love,

Momma!

 

 

HAPPY!!!

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I’m bringing sexy back! Shits…it’s already been broughten!

Hi my loves!!! I’m so sorry that I haven’t been on in toooooo long. I started work for a local campground for a little extra spending cash and boy…I’m their slave now!

Anyway, a lot has been happening the last couple weeks besides working! My big man is counting to 12 (YAY!!!) and he’s only 2 yrs and 4 months!! 3 months premature…such a little smarty…thank goodness he takes after me!!!

My brain has been getting me laughs at work…there is a huge problem with Meth in the county, and unfortunately we see a lot of the individuals. My second day on the job we were all standing under and awning ready to start the day when we noticed this guy ride up in a bike all happy and talking to himself…then he starts singing….then yelling and falls off his bike…gets up, sings and starts twitching all around laughing again….we were all just staring and before my filter could work I just blurted out, “Meth…it’s a hell of a drug” I was embarrassed i just said that in front of my boss but he turns to me, starts laughing out loud and said, “I knew there was a reason I wanted to hire you besides your looks” and pats me on the back. So of course I start laughing too. Made me feel good…I’m the only woman amongst a bunch of men ( I know…poor me, right?) So for them to get a laugh, made me feel about 10 feet tall instead of 5 haha

In other news…my son has decided that he LOOOOVVVEESSS Happy by Pharrell…he’s started dancing to it and oh the videos are hilarious!!!https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10102408045554434&l=8366332270881795715

…he cracks me up.!!!!!! He definitely got some moves from his mama!!!! I included the song for all of your enjoyment 🙂 I can’t help but to dance to it also 🙂 I’m now so happy. I know I provided links for things…I’m still trying to figure out how to get this all just on here…bear with me! Or fucking teach me. If you don’t like it…don’t read my shit then!
I can’t stop dancing now….damnit…and I need to go to bed.
I’m also hungry…I need chocolate! Ya know…my randomness reminds me of a pic…https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/t1.0-9/402290_10100597928438644_1205724439_n.jpg

 

Ok..night ya’ll.

Love ya’s,

Momma


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That’s a whole lotta ass!

Sorry for the title, but you’re now reading this smiling 🙂 Oh and before you could even realize you will have read this whole sentence and learned it means absolutely nothing. 🙂 Hope that was another smile.

Since I have been in such a FABULOUS mood today, I was thinking of letting you all into my brain for a bit, that is, you’re about to see my complete randomness. Cheese! No, seriously, I thought it would be a great idea to share my piss-inducing hilarities that I do all by myself. Enjoy!

1. My brain wanders almost constantly….often to inappropriate things. Today while watching Team Umizoomi with my son I couldnt help but start lol’ing when the girl was yelling, ‘top! Bottom! Top! Bottom! What comes next?” Im probably going to rot in hell if it exists but I thought ‘Doggystyle!”

2. My son has discovered certain words, no doubt thanks to me, but now can run around the house laughing and stops, breaks wind and yells , ‘FART! YAY!’

3. My friggin feet are freezing right now, and I need to paint my toenails…

4. While I was eating lunch today, which consisted of a chip-chopped ham, salt & vinegar chips and ketchup sandwich ( dont judge, we all eat weird shit, so dont act like you dont!) I started wiggling and dancing with my first bite and was like ‘ oh snap….now I know where my son gets his happy dance, oh well, this is fucking good’   I used to eat this sandwich a lot, but that was about 25 yrs ago in grade school….

Otherweird things I like to eat are sweet gherkin pickle and peanut butter sandwiches, Sriracha and potato chips, pretzels and sour scream….yeah, fat girl is now hungry again :-/

I need to go get some socks, my feet really really are REALLY cold…wtf?

Why do dog farts smell like rotten hot dogs?  and why does my cat insist that only TWO shits can fit in the catbox? Why do I like animals?

Hey, just realized I forgot to continue the numbering 🙂 bahaha!

Ihad to pause writing right there bc my son just tried sticking pretzel rods up his nose…..why cant this EVER let me catch things on video??? He’s fricken hilarious!ok…you all probably have a migraine, so I will continue this later!

Love yas,

Momma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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The bug is gone!!!

I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..

So I wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddyImage…wait, no, that’s a song.

I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)

Image

Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!

I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING  at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cupImage.

…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home” Image

She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.

Image( Nice visual, huh?) Damn,. I can’t stop giggling while writing this haha.

I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”Image

I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.

I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on?????Image She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!

and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha

Good night loves!

Momma


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It’s All About CHARISMA!!!

That’s right folks. Today’s post is all about CHARISMA. What is CHARISMA you ask?
cha·ris·ma

kəˈrizmə

noun
noun: charisma; plural noun:charismata
compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.
“she enchanted guests with her charisma”
“he lacks the charisma we look for in our salespeople”
2
a divinely conferred power or talent.

but THAT’S not the one I’m talking about. The CHARISMA I speak of is a funny, honest gent…and you really need to check out his blog DonCharisma.org. It’s worth it.
Ok, so why about CHARISMA? He wrote a post the other day that hit home with me…it’s about why I’m doing what I’m doing on here…..not for fame, fortune or what have you…but for pure fun, to make someone smile, or laugh! If I can do that in one day then my day is set.
Why can’t we just make that our daily mindset? Why do we have to conform? Or do “whatever it takes to fit in?” Which brings me to another lemming…
I have a friend…we will call him Steve (of course that’s not his real name duh duh) He’s been having troubles in finding a woman that would want to stay around for more than 3 months. He say’s “well I have to change because obviously what I’m doing is not working ” I simply asked him..”What do you mean? You just haven’t found the right girl yet?”  He later admitted to be that he started drinking just because “its not accepted that I don’t drink” and now he’s losing weight and running “because maybe if I’m thinner I’ll be accepted and find a girl that will want to stick around” This about threw me through the goddamn roof! Are you kidding me????? I yelled at him and said, “If someone can’t accept you at what you think is your worst then they don’t deserve you at your best!” Period, point blank, end of story!
Yeah…He still didn’t see it…and doesn’t agree with my ‘don’t change for someone else change for you theory” Eh…to each his own…I’m tiring of hearing the bastard whine and cry all the time because he’s not getting laid. Maybe this IS what he needs. I just can’t understand trying alcohol and losing the weight and running just because he want’s to be cool…he’s not 17…he’s 3-fucking-4!!!
Grr…I will stop. I told him…you need to acquire and work on your charisma…but yeah…he’s still not listening…I tried, world, good lawd knows I freaking tried.
I swear he might still be 17 mentally though…because right after that he’s trying to convince me to take my pants off for him…ugh…MEN!!!!!
And lastly, my Ode to CHARISMA! A picture entitled “Nessie”

for CHARISMA

for CHARISMA


I’m sorry for my randomness ya’ll…but that’s what it’s like living in my world…now picture all that going on at once while thinking about what’s for dinner and what I’m going to wear to an even 3 weeks from now for Damsel In Defense 😉 Yup…I’m special….
ok…in all seriousness now. Charisma is what it takes to make it in this world anymore. Without charisma and maybe the dare to be an individual we are all just lemmings…I don’t want to be a lemming…they die by jumping off cliffs.

Love you all!
Momma


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He sharted Aunt Andrea!

Hello all! I know you missed me yesterday and I’m sorry. I was too busy being ALONE and drinking a Jamaican Me Happy and watching Bride-Day Friday!!!! I’m so sick….

I was telling my family that I needed to set up for my big launch party for Damsel on Saturday (today) and my brother GENEROUSLY offered to keep Jack overnight. I hopped in that goddamn car and ran him over. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid but mommy needs a break now and then. So I’m going along cleaning my house….btw did you know that Windex cleans your freaking microfiber??? MIND BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (someone remind me and I will cover that another day )

So, I’m cleaning away (drinking and watching more television) and I get a text from my nieceImageAh….the lovely duck faces 🙂 You can’t help but to smile at this 🙂 I then start to feel like a bad mom because I am not with him…shortlived, I grabbed another Jamaican Me Happy. I get back to writing on my business cards and my order forms and realize, damn…I want pizza. Awesomeness for me, noone delivers and I’m too fucking lazy at this point to go get any. *DING DING DING!* I has the ingredients to make zis pizza!!! I just made it on lavash bread…ermahgawd….

So I ate the pizza, finished the 3rd beverage and just hit the hay….i know…i boring, until the old man comes home…he tries getting frisky with me at 730 in the morning………………..he thinks just grabbing my boob is a turn on…………………………………………dafuq????………….men!

Ok, woke up, got dressed, finished cleaning up for this party and everyone is here, I’m starting my shpeel (sp?) I don’t fucking care…whatever…and my niece yells…oh my god, Jack sharted Aunt Andrea….I say what? and she yells HE SHARTED, HE JUST REALLY SHARTED!! So now I’m embarrassed and cracking up so hard I’m crying!…I made the old man change the diaper (damn I’m evil) but..that was my funny moment…besides my mom and my 2nd cousin duking it out over who has the most crap in their purse….God I love my family. Never a dull moment…if you have ever been around me and heard my verbal dyslexia…you’d get a kick out of my mom…I will have to tell the halle-fuckin-lullah story someday…someone remind me 🙂

Ok, just wanted to share that tiddybit with you all…I’m off to bed. The first person to ask me a question about me, my life, etc will have it as a topic tomorrow…lets see who it is :-

Gnight!

Love, Momma