Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me ๐Ÿ™‚ Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny ๐Ÿ˜€

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


Demon Spawn!

Yes, this is another post about my kid…Jack, but this one isn’t all farting rainbows and shitting roses…this is the evil side of kids EXPOSED!

These will all be little stories of when my son grows horns…which happens daily but the kisses and lu yous usually make them go away…not today!!!

Just this morning….we were sitting down watching his usual…Mickey Mouse Clubhouse…and I started to sing the song with him…he screams a high pitch scream…turns to me and with fire shooting out of his eyes says “Shut up” I almost wanted to cry…that kid put the fear of God in me for a minute! A little later he’s still doing the high pitched screaming and I have been trying to tell him no, and I spank him sometimes…well I finally asked “How many times does mommy have to spank you before you stop screaming??”ย  He just looks at me and says, ” 2 or 3″……………………i had to leave the room because I was going to laugh………….it really is amazing how quickly this..

Image turns into thisย  Image


Oh…and his new favorite thing is to bash his Leappad into the ground when its not working to his liking or when it needs batteries….I caught him about to do it to my tablet the other day and I yelled…scared him….and he dropped it….. :-Oย ย ย ย  thank God I never take it out of its holder, the tablet is fine!!

Another famous Jack moment is the day he learned to call me a “jerk” from my dear best friend Eliza…i could kill her…..She called me a jerk and he repeated it to me the rest of the day! Took him over to his grandma’s and was trying to have him say it again….he says, “BITCH!” ….whaawhhaawwhaa dafuq???? I’m gonna kill your daddy…mommy doesn’t say that!!! I told daddy later what Jack said….and he left the room…YOU BETTER MOTHERFUCKING LEAVE THE ROOM! WE KNOW WHY HE SAID BITCH! Sorry, I’m not really mad haha. I really don’t swear this much either, ok, i fucking lied….i cuss like a sailor…but not in front of my son….ok, I slip sometimes and say shit and damn….which leads me to my next story….

He’s been pulling down the baby gates a lot…I told him he’s demon spawn and he needs to stop.. he screams his high pitch scream and I say no! He sits down and plays his Leappad….I then decide I need to use the restroom…I leave the door open so I can see him and he comes babbling up to the gate…you can’t understand a damn word he says’…we call it “Jack”anese ๐Ÿ˜‰ and he pulls the gate down…i look over at him and he just says “SHIT! sorry…..” I had to close the bathroom door or start crying because the laughter building up in me was overwhelming folks…I do love this kid…even when he’s being bad sometimes I can’t help but to laugh.

How is that you ask? Because I have learned that kids learn from example…they don’t know any better than what we show them. We have to be wise to what we do and say around them. I can only laugh because I too was a crazy child, and so was his father! His father is the Devil so hence…he’s demon spawn. Either way…don’t take everything your child does to heart…sit with them and explain bad and good and give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes….we all aren’t perfect, but I can guarantee my child will have a kick ass sense of humor and know how to treat others…if he doesn’t I’m blaming daddy ๐Ÿ˜‰

Goodnight folks,

Love, Momma