Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me 🙂 Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny 😀

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing 😉 Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


I feel like my brain has left the building

jack in daddy's shoes

The cuteness that is a screaming child in his daddy’s shoes….after wrecking my dining room…… ❤


Today started off ok…as you can see in the pic I posted of Jack in his daddy’s shoes. That kid makes me laugh…I just heard him yelling, “Daddy?, DADDY!, SHOES!!” and I had to snap the picture.

Ok, on to what I wanted to tell you guys and girls about.

About a month ago I signed up with Damsel in Defense to be an Independent Damsel Pro…what is it? It’s like Avon but with stun guns and peppers sprays geared towards the ladies. It is actually really damn nifty and I am excited to stand behind these products.

Anyway, I had an online party for it first, got really excited and invited like 80 people to check it out…and after 9 days I didn’t sell a damn thing….NOT ONE THING! I know you’re saying, “Oh well you have to promote yourself, blah blah blah” I did…….I posted reminding everyone to get their orders in. Contacted runners trying to get them to buy our pepperspray glove which would rock for them…I posted nifty quotes and pics allover my facebook…both of them! I got discouraged…got a little down….then my son decides he wants nothing to do with me and Daddy is the cool one….I lost it…I got crankier….had a spout with the old man… is awesome this week, huh?

So today, I tried to tell myself I’m not going to feel sorry for myself I’m going to get my ass out there and promote this business…Educate, Empower and Equip, thats my mission… what do I do? Stay on the couch and eat veggie straws…duh! I had started to feel a little better….then my sister says she can’t make my launch party Saturday…BITCH!! I told her she better have a party for me or buy product….so she went online and bought from my virtual store…ok, you’re not a bitch 🙂 After that, 2 more people said they’d come to my party and all want info to take with them to show their friends and family….so life got better after my mini meltdown lastnight.

Oh, right, I said my brain had left the building…here I am just rambling on and you’re all like…wtf? See? That proves it…I ain’t right, folks…but ya know what? I’d rather be left than right! 😉 Brain has LEFT the building…emotions are rampant…and no, I’m not raggin! Just a tiny bit crazy, maybe.

Ok, totally random, I miss my friend Danielle and our days of laughter where we would dance with glowsticks dangling in front of us like they were booby tassles….yeah…..I just said that. I think this summer it is going to have to be mandatory for me to get my ass and Jack out of this house for some Vitamin D and socialization…maybe that’s my problem? 😉

Night world,

Love, Momma