Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.


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“Throw the switches, turn the wheel, push the buttons, PET THE KITTY!!!”

I have determined that I no longer have a two year old. I have a bipolar dwarf. Terrible two’s have hit full on and my brain is sad and angry. FUCK YOU TERRIBLE TWO’S, I WANT MY BABY BACK! Oh yeah, so if you haven’t figured it out, this is a post about what I’m now dealing with on a daily basis. A demon who comes in the form of my adorable son, Jack. Image

It started maybe about a month ago, all of a sudden he’s starting to drop down to the ground when we are telling him no or asking him to come inside. He starts screaming and yelling and just falls to the floor and yells with an ear-piercing scream that is so loud that I’m pretty sure the neighbors have that we are killing him. I try to correct his behavior sternly saying, “We don’t act like that, Jack. Please stand up” yeah….that didn’t work. So I had started spanking for misbehaviors…yeah…he laughs and keeps doing whatever it is he’s not supposed to be doing, I get up to tell him he’s gonna get spanked and he hunkers down and keeps laughing…and flinches. I swat him on the butt, he stands up and then keeps doing it, LAUGHING! I do not think there is anything I can do to this kid that will sink it that that is unacceptable behavior and I get scared that people will see him flinching and squatting and think it’s normal behavior for him because I beat him. Trust me, I don’t like having to spank him…it breaks my heart a little everytime…especially the few times it DOES sink in and he puts his bottom lip out…starts pouting….quietly sobbing…and then cries….I die a little every time! Ugh, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.

Anyway, it’s now escalated to him screaming about EVERYTHING and falling anywhere to kick and scream. We took him to a park the other day to play and when It was time to leave to go watch the oh so awesome Jungle Terry, ( a guy with a lot of wild animals) he even screamed at Daddy and when Daddy picked him up he began flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and trying to bite him and hit him. We kept saying,”Jack, stop! We don’t act like that, calm down! We are going to go see lots of animals!” Trying to get him excited for that but it didn’t work. I was mortified by his behavior and all the people watching…I really am paranoid about the wrong person seeing shit and calling someone on me…overprotective mother. I don’t know what to do anymore and people say it only gets worse,….if this shit gets worse I’m going to be like that crazy cat lady from the fucking Simpsons!!

Wtf?? Some twat waffle is lying to me….there is NO way that this can go on for another year or more. I might have to get committed for going crazy.

Ok, done with THAT bitching…on to work. A new girl started with me, i like her…she makes me say stupid stuff a lot. Her first day she was telling me about her grandmother and how she had been on Hospice…I was checking restrooms while doing so and opened the guys bathroom to yell inside for any patrons and I yell, “Hospice!” We both about died laughing because I said it so serious. She looked at me and she’s like can’t be saying that too much, you’ll give an old man a heart attack! Ok, so that story was funnier if you were there, whatever, fml. Work is pretty fun when I’m with her though, I end up “masturbating’ keys…freaning clicking toilets and forgetting to put my golf cart in reverse, looking back and end up running into a bush in front of me 🙂 Good times. You’d think I’m drunk at work with half the shit I do. Oh, and she’s now a fan of my blog, she thinks I’m super hilarious. I like people who think I’m funny 😀

Ok, I’m not done bitching about my the terrible two’s. My son also does this thing that I swear has given me VISIBLE motherfucking gray hairs….He’s being bad in public and just as I say, “Jack” in a very warning tone he runs up to me, wraps his arms around my legs and goes, “Awwwww” I know for sure some lady saw my eye twitching and my mouth going but no words were coming out….shit….maybe I already am crazy? How can a kid that is THAT cute be so evil and manipulative? I am just starting to tell people who notice the like 15 greys i have that they are stress highlights…new big thing 😉 Oh! and the title haha, yeah, the title of this blog comes courtesy of Jack’s Leappad….he was playing around on one of the apps on it and it shouted, “Throw the switches! Turn the wheel! Push the buttons! PET THE KITTY!” I stopped talking to him and cooing with him, because it was bedtime and we were loving on one another, and my jaw dropped and I busted up laughing. He didn’t know why, but kept hitting repeat and we were both giggling by the end. I love nighttime…it’s when I have my baby…..I need another drink………

Good night ya’ll,

Love, Momma

Enjoy the video…this is how my life is right now haha


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Wow, some crazy asshole thinks I’m influential?? ;-)

ImageYes, dreams really do come true!! Wait…wtf movie is that line from?Anyway….

I was kindly nominate by Don Charisma for this, my very first award!! Yay! and go me that is just so happens to be a Most Influential? This man is smoking some good shit over there in Thailand, pass it on bud! Oh, While you are there please do read is amazing blog and check out his out of this world photography. This guy is amazing and an awesome virtual friend 🙂 Helps me with shit on here a lot, too that I do not get. But hey Don! I managed to figure how to get it on my blog page all by myself!!!!! *stick tongue out* See? I got this shit….

All kidding aside, I’m very honored that he thinks my blogs are influential. After all, I DID post them to enlighten you all to life that is Andrea’s or Momma, however you decide to address me is fine. Just don’t call me a “see you next Tuesday” Remember, I DO sell stun guns and peppers sprays….I’m a boss ass bitch 😉

Before I get to my nominations for who I think are Most Influential I want to take a time out to let you know what’s been going on in my life. My most awesome two-yr old Jack is counting to twelve, ( I may have already mentioned that but fuck you if you really care) and he’s recognizing shapes and telling me his abc’s (even if out of order) this kid is so awesome and I love being a mommy everyday!!! He started with this new thing today coming up to me and saying, “Mommy, want kiss! Want kiss!!” So I’d bend down, give him a smooch and he’d turn around and run away laughing going, “bye bye” and then he’d come back and do it again! We did this for about 20 mins while I’m trying to cook dinner and I was in tears from laughing by the end. I had to stop cutting the steak and peppers for kabobs or i thought I might hurt myself 😉

I have also been working a lot and trying to attend events for my lovely Damsel In Defense (yeah, that’s right, I add a fucking link! booyah!) ok and Jack’s father and I had a brief falling out. I was a single mom for a few days and didn’t know what to do with myself. I was feeling destroyed and putting everything I had into Jack and this new job. I barely slept, lost a few pounds (not that I didn’t need to,  but it was in an unhealthy way) and feeling beat down. Just for him to come to me and finally fight for me…something I had wanted from the beginning, let me know you care! He had been calling my parents asking what he should do, he doesn’t want to lose me. This man went and scheduled counseling for us…COUNSELING!! My heart was so overwhelmed I couldn’t help but cry. I figured if he’s going through this much trouble this mf’er really does care and I will do this. I love the bastard, but man….we had some rough times. Albeit, I never really got to know him because, (go me) we got pregnant one of the very first times we had sex a month into dating. THAT SHIT REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOLKS! I’M A STATISTIC! This after 8 1/2 yrs with my ex and thinking I couldn’t get pregnant. Anyway…needless to say, momma did not leave daddy and we are working on bettering our lives and effectively communicating….and dating 🙂 It’s pretty freakin awesome to be DATED again 🙂

Ok, so anyway, now to my Influential Bloggers….I would like to nominate

1. Danielle with Kuukisu Art (Wonderful woman with a wonderful heart)

2. The Hillbilly Blogger! This guy is hilarious and has a pull on my heart since I’m a little hillbilly!!!!

3. Don Charisma (You don’t not have to do this all again, Don, I just wanted to nominate you because you are very much an influential and awesome person!)

4. Affatshionista! Being a bigger girl myself I love seeing what kind of awesome outfits this lady can bang out!

5. LEGO Shenanigans………need I say more?

6. James Radcliffe  (this guys music puts you into baby making music mood, what a voice!)

7. HarsH ReaLiTy (because this guy is NOT afraid to be himself and has great conversation 🙂 )

8. EthanYarbroughWrites  I love reading this guys blogs and his adventures with kids, very funny and great writer!

9. Paul 🙂 Great guy I have know for more than half my life, he and his husband are good people’s!!!!!!

10. Last but not least….Emails to God (THIS GUY EFFIN CRACKS ME UP!! ) If you think i’m foul mouthed don’t read this guy’s shit!

Conditions For Accepting The Award

To accept this award, the awardee must do the following:

  1. Display the Award on your Blog.
  2. Announce your win with a blog post and thank the Blogger who awarded you. Do not lump this award with any other award in a “basket”, “bouquet” or “collection” etc, I would rather you didn’t accept the award.
  3. Present 10 deserving Bloggers with the Award.
  4. Link your awardees in the post and let them know of their being awarded with a comment (or a pingback).
  5. Include an embedded video of your current favorite song

Okay…and now for my fave song (of the moment) Room to Breathe – You Me At Six

Enjoy. I dig them 😉

Okay, I’m going to bed…

love,

Momma!

 

 


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The bug is gone!!!

I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..

So I wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddyImage…wait, no, that’s a song.

I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)

Image

Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!

I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING  at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cupImage.

…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home” Image

She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.

Image( Nice visual, huh?) Damn,. I can’t stop giggling while writing this haha.

I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”Image

I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.

I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on?????Image She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!

and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha

Good night loves!

Momma