Momma Jon't Know Dack!

My life with a miswired brain, a home business, and a 2-yr old.

The bug is gone!!!

11 Comments

I’m happy to write this evening without an ill belly! I finally got this nasty bug out of me! If I only knew you all a little better, I’d tell you a terrifically horrible embarrassing story….ok…I will…you twisted my arm. DON’T JUDGE ME! I was sick…..

So I wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddyImage…wait, no, that’s a song.

I woke up and didn’t have vomit inducing pain, so I was like, hell to the yeah! I got to eat some turkey sausage (yum), have my strong cup of coffee *bazinga* and then run around with lil man until my job interview at noon. WHICH btw I think I got the job!!! They told me they’d like to get me in monday for the required background check and drugscreen. Being a nurse they have to do that quite often. WOOT WOOT! I know…some of you right now are like…”whoa…you’re a nurse? You’re messed up! I like it!” YES! I have been an LPN, licensed practical nurse for about 6 yrs now. The last two I have been in a weird spot since having my son. He decided to grace this world with his presence a whole 3 months too early so I quit my job to stay with him in the hospital. (That’s a whole other story)

Image

Anyway, so I leave the interview and realize I’m effin starving! I run through the McDonald’s drive-thru, I decided to be a little daring, and I order a McDouble meal small with a diet coke….whoa now…I know…i fucking went ALL sorts of crazy on you there!

I’m driving along and all of a sudden my stomach is just SCREAMING  at me…not because it’s upset, no, it’s because I have to defile a bathroom…and like quickly. (I’m such a lady, aren’t I?) I finally make it to my next stop, which oddly enough is a medical facility, where I have to pee in a cupImage.

…the whole time just dying inside like, ok…can I shit now? And OF COURSE THESE PEOPLE ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!!!! I finally pee in the cup without miraculously leaving them some hershey bits…and I ask the lady upon handing her my piss dribble cup, “is there a restroom i can use? I started my monthly and I would like to take care of that before I get home” Image

She points me in the right way ( and I leave a few of my Damsel in Defense business cards on the bulletin board on my way out ;-)) and i half run/half walk to the restroom on the way out. I get in there…and before my ass cheeks couldn’t even kiss the toilet seat I’m spraying like a cement truck laying a new load.

Image( Nice visual, huh?) Damn,. I can’t stop giggling while writing this haha.

I’m highly embarrassed because my leg is shaking, I’m full on rendering this commode useless…I have tears running down my face and I’m quietly peeping “Oh God Help Me” then I hear it………………………………..*knock knock knock* “Ma’am….are you ok in there? Did you fall? Do you need assistance?”Image

I for real start crying now…..I felt like puking…..there is NO WAY ya’ll heard me out there? I’m MORTIFIED!!!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just start grabbing toilet paper and going to town…and tell the lady. “Oh, yes, I’m ok, I’m sorry, i dropped my purse and knocked over the garbage can”…..which, I apparently did do in my spastic fits of toilet rage.

I can’t leave the bathroom now….the smell…it’s going to be apparent! ….what do I do???? I quickly just grin and bear it….I pull on my trousers…wash my hands….and RUN FOR MY CAR!!!!!!!!!! People were all looking at me like…is she ok?? What is going on?????Image She must of stole something ” Nah…i didn’t steal anything…I just vandalized a bathroom!

and yeah……that is my day!!!! Only to come home…have my cutie patootie smile and squeal to see me…and I bend over to pick him up…expel gas…and he say’s “Mom mom fawt!” yeah….i’m dead right now. I can’t take anymore!!! hahahaha

Good night loves!

Momma

Advertisements

Author: Momma Jon't Know Dack

Well...I'm a...mom! With a home business, a 2 yr old son, Jack, and an inability to speak without sounding like a drunk. I call it verbal dyslexia... i take the beginning of two words and mix them up, like "that bunk is jad" instead of "that junk is bad". I aim for lots of laughs, lots of love and lots of posts of my superly awesome sauce days. No doubt you'll enjoy. Love, Momma

11 thoughts on “The bug is gone!!!

  1. Actually that feeling comes to me a lot. I blame the Crohn’s, but it could be the stuff I eat. It could be.

  2. OMG! I stumbled in here after following your link on OM’s post, and I am DYING over here, because at what point HAVEN’T we all been here?

    Now I am off to explore the rest of your blog. 🙂 Thank you SO much for a great read on a slow Friday at the office! 🙂

  3. If this story makes you feel better……. I once snuck into my favorite Dunkin Donuts for a few…It was a weekend….no one I see during the week should be there…… so no one would see me in my pink bear footie pajamas…….. AND THEN……in walks the cute guy, who not only noticed me…..complimented my pjs…..I thought I was going to die!

    • Now thats pretty bad too!!! If I would have seen anybody I would have been interested in or knew I think it would have made it worse……

      • Lol oh… Here’s another embarrassing story of mine…. In college… Had a cute teacher…. Was Critical Thinking class…. One day he asked us what our first opinion of him was…. Before he got to me I didn’t have enough time to think of something other than I thought he was good looking…. I tried to hold off answering to come up with something else but one of my friends in the front of the classroom yelled back to me (I sit in the back) ‘oh just spit it out’…. I not even thinking yelled back at her “yeah, you try telling the teacher you think he’s cute” right after that I realized I just announced what I never intended to say…. Turned pink…. Then he asks if we’ve changed our opinion…. I don’t even have to reply as my classmates Giggle when he got to me that I hadn’t changed my opinion…. Two classmates later the jokester says right as I take a sip of soda to hopefully cool my now beet red face ‘I’ve changed my opinion…. I now think you’re cute’…. He says that and I start to choke…. Ran out of the classroom to the bathroom… I can’t believe I managed to go back to class after that….. I passed it though lol

      • Hahaha thats great! Cant say ice had an experience like that one. You should post that one!

  4. LOL, bit on the long side (for me, but I’m a slow reader !) … but lovely illustrated point … blackdonalds … hmmm … no wonder you had the Brad Pitts, that stuff always makes my tummy rotten …

    I have to write about this one day too, but I really think it’s funny when I’m at my front door and it’s 50/50 whether I can keep hold of it for the 10 feet to the bathroom 🙂

    Cheers

    Don

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s